Why? Why NOT?!

So i was debating about whether or not i should update this, but work has been so dreadfully BORING the past two days that my options are either: A - sleep, or B - update xanga (i.e. some mode of activity to keep me awake).  As much as i would love to catch some slumber, i think my co-worker, Aaron here, may feel a little negative toward me if i'm laying passed out in the office.  Being as it is my last two days here, i normally wouldn't mind what his opinion of me is, but he's actually a decent dude and - well - it'd just be rude to sleep while he 'worked.' 

Maybe we could rest up in shifts.  Oooh, i like this plan...

It's freezing in here so i'm going to make hot chocolate soon.  Yessss.

Anyway, i figure that one day, months from now, i may want to know what i was thinking and feeling at this point in my life.  Things are changing big time around here.  And assuming that xanga.com is still a website, i'll be able to come find out what was going through my pea-sized brain at the time of all the transformations.

First thing's first: Kansas City did me wrong, and it did me right as well.
At first, it was great. New 'big' city loft with my cutesy boyfriend; he's closer to work and i've got a new job that (though i complained a lot about) is pretty sweet.  My co-workers are great; my boy's career dreams are coming true; i'm attending new school complete with classes that are super easy.  All these exciting adventures and activities are at our fingertips and we can go on cute dates with our new (and some even) old friends. We travel to see our families almost every weekend because we honestly don't have shit else going on... Things are great.

But somewhere along the way, things get boring. Work and school get harder, money gets tighter.  There's more fighting and depression, and that's where Kansas City starts doing me wrong.

Alone here with drained funds and being severely screwed over made it difficult to like the city at all.  But there were ups and downs.

For example, Patrick showed me what it was like to LOVE Kansas City. I loved it more with him than i ever had, i'm fairly certain.  It didn't last long though.

Justin and Reed and school and work all made me hate living here.  Everything was so expensive and ridiculous; Justin made me want to relax and Reed just made me want to run away.

Then when Pat moved OUT of my place and INTO Pat's place, we really started hanging out again, and i could see the beauty in this place once more. It was easy to run down to the Riot Room for live music and drinks, and grabbing a late-night funnel cake was never out of the question.  Walking to the bar or to entertainment was always a possibility, and even staying in a night could be rather entertaining in the city.

But that's where it stays now, here in Kansas City, where i can come visit for any activities i please. I don't need to live in it every day, that's for sure.

So... nearly losing my mind, quitting my new job, cancelling the lease on my new - sweet - apartment, and deciding to move to St. Joe in the matter of 5 hours... Was it worth it?
Hell. Yes.

Things have been great.  Well, most things have. 
There's been moving issues, and fights, and negative feelings.  I've missed people and i've worried.

It's been soooo much harder than i thought it would be to find a nice, affordable place in St. Joe.  I've looked high and low and with little luck.  It's just hard on your own, but i refuse to back down and get a roommate.  I'm looking at a place on Monday, one i looked at once already, years ago, but didn't end up taking because it was so small.  But i'm on my own now and space isn't exactly something i need a lot of. The place is extraordinarily cheap too, which is good because finances aren't something i can be throwing away right now.
Anyway, i have high hopes that this will pan out and turn into something great.  If not, i'll keep looking. I've got two more weeks left...

...And i say that i have 'two more weeks left' because, as of August 17, 2009, i will no longer be technically employed here at the funeral home, and it's damn hard to find a place without a job.  I have no idea where i want to be working, so i haven't even looked for a new job in St. Joe yet.  I've been more focused on moving my things so i'm not digging out of trash bags to find clothes to wear each day.  I work at the funeral home this weekend and then i'm done (even though my technical employment isn't up.  It's perfect because i'll have two weeks without work which i can use to find a place to live) and i'm so excited to be finished with this job and the driving, and a couple of the people, too. Not to mention - the most important - wasting my time. Once i get moved, the job hunt will begin, but i do like the idea of being a normal societal person and not throwing my life away on a career that i don't even enjoy.  I'm too young for that.  I'm thinking about going back to school in the spring, maybe to finish my English degree.  Or maybe going to Chicago (or even KC) for culinary school.  Who knows, but that's the best damn part, and it always has been.

I really don't know why i wasted so much of my late teen and early adult years trying to plan my future, trying to be a big kid, trying to grow up and move on and focus and follow rules.  Life is so not about any of that.  What's worse is that i wasted so much time hanging out pretentious people, who cared about 'being trendy,' wearing 'hip' clothing, listening to the latest 'cool indie bands,' and only hanging out with other people who did the same.   People who trash talked anyone who didn't keep up with their trendy asses; who shot dirty glances and judged everyone they saw; people who wasted their time being selfish and arrogant, and worrying about being selfish arrogant.  I used to "be" those people, or at least i wanted to be.  But now i look at them and feel sorry for them.  They're mean and jealous and rude.  They think they're smarter, faster, and stronger, and that THEY are the ones who've got it all figured out.  But they've never even come close to understanding how unimportant the majority of their lives are.  So they lie to themselves.  And when i see them all together in groups, it's easy now to pick out who believes in that lifestyle and who's just pretending; and i can be glad that i've chosen (or even been forced to) rule the wrong ones out of my life and keep the right ones in.
And that's a really great feeling.

So now that i realized that what's important to me isn't the hustle and bustle of the city, the unique food, the extravagant activities, the hip trends and neatest shops, the local scene or just being near what's in and able to know what's "not".....   Now that i know, i can understand that what's important to me is being close to those i care about.  To have the abilitiy to experience nature. To relax and not worry about how i'm dressed or who i'm 'seen' with.  To have the time and peace of mind to be happy to and share that with others.  To follow my dreams without worrying about if they're 'good' dreams or not; to listen to whatever i want, whenever i want. To save money, not spend it.  To lose weight the healthy way, not by under-eating and staying up way too late on pseudo energy.  To be able to get married and have a family one day. The ability to afford to travel and see the world, or the free time to take up a hobby or to donate to a special cause. 
These things are important to me, and now i can let them all happen because i've made it possible.
Ha, and i was so afraid this would be a bad decision. 

I've got two days of work left here in Kansas City, then i've got two weeks to find a place to live in St. Joseph.  I'll have as long as i want to find a place to work and to figure school out, and so i'm not worried about that.  That's work, school, moving... and my family's doing great.  Friends, too.  I've been fortunate and able enough to rekindle some old friendships, strengthen some, and to make tons of new ones.  With people who only judge me for me, not by who they think i should be or by what the "cool kids" do.  That's what i absolutely LOVE about my life right now: There ARE no cool kids.  We're all people, we're all friends, everyone is cool in a way and lame in their special nerdy way, too.  There's little shit-talking and lots of love to go around.  It's like we all grew up, and it's like the people i left behind stayed the same.  I hope they always do.  It'll remind me of why i changed myself.

In my time alone, i've dated some characters, but each one taught me something.

There's the reason trust should never be underestimated.
There's the realization that i DO want to get married and have kids.
The proof that good friends are really hard to come by,
The one who showed me why i love Kansas City,
and The example of how sad it is when people go off the deep end.
There's the one that reminded me of how much one person can affect another,
The one that made me realize that abusing yourself is never worth it;
There's the reason enjoying life and cherishing friendship is so damn fun,
The cause of secrecy and the warmth trust can bring;
The feeling you get when your dreams come true,
The proof that everything comes around full circle,
and The example of learning from a mistake.
There's the reminder that people were never meant to be alone all the time,
The experience that always makes you stronger,
and The proof that when you give up everything you achieve the ability to gain everything.

And when i finally gave up - when i was done searching, my ties were cut, and i didn't even worry about being alone or finding someone because i was just ready to make changes on my own and to be happy - that's when it happened.

My social life has dramatically improved; i do fun things now and i enjoy my free time immensely.
But my romantic life is soaring.  And i could NOT be happier.

In fact, i don't know as if i've ever been happier.
I feel fourteen again, but it's a feeling that i've been told to embrace.

A friend of mine once lost her virginity to her love under a full moon in Istanbul.
It's never happened to me, but i can understand the sentiment so well.

You can't just say 'I love you,' you have to live 'I love you.'